After about 4 months of owning the videocard the black screen issue started and went from only here & there to black screening as soon as in game.

After BIOS update to ASUS mainboard and trying AMD Videocard drivers 14.4 WHQL, 14.7 RC3, 14.9 WHQL, 14.9.1 Beta & 14.9.2 Beta the issue was unresolved.

Then figured must be voltage settings either by the mainboard ram or CPU adjusted these still not resolved. Then thought bad Vram or system memory did tests all good.

Next let’s see how hot the Video card gets. AMD’s peak allowed temp is 95c after this it drops to lower frequency to stop hardware damage from heat.
Vcard idle stays stable at 34c. During peak gameplay 30 minutes to 1 hour GPU only peaked at 65c Game tested was Shadow Of Mordor with updated texture pack. Figured this game will get the card peaked. So heat isn’t the issue. Almost wish it were at this point.

Re-seated system memory and Video card and noticed that the videocard is sagging pretty badly. Made a make shift platform for the card to sit on in the case.
Did a complete wipe of any AMD driver or software including manual registry removals. And installed the 14.9 WHQL driver set from http://www.amd.com

So far the black screening has stopped but i’m still not going to say it fixed the issue will wait and see. I do know the weight of the heatsink and fans on the PCI-E slot isn’t a good thing.

45th day and fucked up.

Posted: October 25, 2014 in Uncategorized

Found 2 damn 30mg Codine pills in one of my non-narc med bottles. Of course like an ass without thought I ate em:-(
Codine isan’t really a narc until liver processes it then it becomes morphine.

Fuckin really thought I was past this bullshit. Set back on 45th day just stupid funny when I saw them I didn’t hesitate to take em. 2 seconds after I felt terrible about it.
Sucks ass thought I was stronger than that.

It really helps when I post this shit here. I don’t do any of those damn NA/AA deals I just know how drugs work on the brain & body and  withdrawal faith and god can’t fix it. Plus could never stand in a crowd of strangers that see me and say these things.
I don’t really like talking details to friends or family just seems easier here even if no one reads it. Makes me feel better. I have talked to few people about it. But get the vibe they think i’m looking for sympathy. Which I don’t want from anyone this shit’s on me and me posting here helps ME.

Day’s & more days

Posted: October 20, 2014 in Uncategorized

All the things I’ve done haunt me. Somewhere between 22 and now something broke. Then mom died I couldn’t even say goodbye. Had the chance as usual I hid behind Cocaine and opioids and stayed in bed . Waiting for the confirmation she had died like the coward I have been my whole life.  What kind of a son doesn’t say bye to their dying mom? I miss her so much wish I was a better son & man.

My children have seen such bad things and they came from me.
I can’t fix the past this I know but i’m going to try to make the future better. It’s hard I still miss opis makes me feel so guilty I think i’m actually in love with it.and even consider putting it before my Wife & children or well being.
I’ve seen 5-6 people I was close with 1 being my uncle die from the same monster. It’s the feeling I miss. Everything is wrong, empty feeling and I start sinking.
Today is the worst day I’ve had as far as my seeking no needing to feel something other than this dread & heart deep depression..

Have to chart how I feel here because I can’t really say how I feel to strangers or even my own wife and friends.

Just wish there was an erase button for life.

Florida tooo long.

Posted: October 18, 2014 in Uncategorized

Been talking to the wife. I would like to move back to NY.
I understand doesn’t matter where you live it’s what you make of it. I’m not wanting to go because I have a false belief i’ll do better or will make shit better.
I’m tired of just staying for my comfortability zone because it’s just easy. I want to break that and get out I don’t want to be on my death bed and ask myself why didn’t I take real risks. My only answer would be scared of change I like my comfort level.
I know i’d be leaving my children I know they would understand.

It’s not because I blame people here for my bad choices. It’s because I am tired of being a coward scared to make the change. Maybe it is because for 1st time I’ve really looked at me and found out what I am.  Maybe i’ll get eaten alive there and not make a year but at least I can say we tried.
Wife’s place of employment was bought out by Moss which is based in NY so a transfer would most likely be possible.She isn’t 100% convinced but I’m going to keep at it.

38

Posted: October 17, 2014 in Uncategorized

Days 30-31 felt really good not 100% but well enough..  Day 32-36 out of no where in medium WDs again slept maybe 7 hours in 4 days light night sweats are back with aching legs. It’s manageable compared to what I experienced going cold turkey I failed so miserably at which heightened my use & abuse.
Had to break and use Benzo’s for last 2 days. Really wanted to not use narcs to quit scared to grab a new habit that’s why I decided I won’t drink either. Gotta have wife hide em or i’ll just abuse the shit out of them,.
Using non-narcs were unsuccessful ate 200mg Trazadone and 10 pills 5mg each of Melatonin along with 20mg muscle relaxer still couldn’t sleep. Had to do something I was very close to making that call.

Have a feeling i’m one of the long term users that will just never be right again. Now i’m pretty sure I’ve caused permanent damage.
Even if I have to deal with this for rest of my life. It’s better than being opioids puppet.
Plus don’t want to relapse that’s usually how we kill ourselves. Tolerance is so low the dope drops you.

First let me say I know and completely understand how hopeless it feels. Seems like it’s just not possible to get clean how would you function/interact and work being dope sick?! Usually you can’t:-( But I promise that the feeling opioids give of well being is false. I thought I would be miserable when I was clean I quickly maybe not quickly but realized I feel the best I have in a very, very long time. They had me fooled I really thought life without opiates would be hell it takes and takes and deceives like a sneak thief.

Keep this in mind when trying to quit. The more you try and quit & fail the harder it gets the next time. So be 100% sure you want this.

Soooo decided I would share this with others. I know a lot of people are hooked on this shit.
Honestly there isn’t any real easy way to withdrawal I searched for years never found one. You did this to yourself so it’s going to take you to quit. All that pleasure wants to pay you back in pain and suffering.

Short acting Opioids Heroin “Thanks Bayer!!”, Hydromorphone AKA:Dilaudid, Oxys/Roxys, Liquid/bootable Morphine.  Long acting either semi-synthetic or full synthetic Subutex is long acting semi-synthetic Methadone long acting full synthetic. I know there are many others out there but the ones I listed are most used/abused.
I had a dual habit but even still same rules apply only difference is you can kick short acting opioids in a week or so meaning physical WD not mental it still works you constantly. Semi to full Synthetic long acting stores and latches hard to opiate receptors unlike Dilaudid or Heroin active anywhere from 48-72 hours and of course will store in body fat making detox long and drawn out.

Issues with WDS constant fluctuating body temperature, goose flesh, sweats, excessive yawning, watery eyes, night sweats,aching legs to the bone,stomach cramps, diarrheal, vomiting, no sleep, body aches and even full body spasms that’s the worst of the physical side. Most think that’s the worst but nope it’s the mental you may experience racy thoughts all broken up, depression, panic attacks, these mental issues caused from opioid abuse will usually lead right to using again. For me worst was deep depression and racy garbled thoughts was so bad I would spew out words without wanting to. Because my head was just full.

First get 7 days clean you will feel sick on 3rd day “Methadone, Subutex/Suboxone” purchase Loperamide it’s anti-diarrheal medicine this used to be a schedule V narc it’s not any longer “Over the counter now” and it binds to opioid receptors in the gastrointestinal tract. Making you feel better and no more cramps and running to bathroom every 15-20 minutes. Depending on habit take any where from 15-25 pills to start they are only 2mg each and small for a 40-50mg habit. Up to 100 of them for those who are on very high doses or can’t really identify mg with heroin so just start with 20 and take 5 more pills every half hour after until you feel well.
These DO NOT get you high they DO NOT pass the blood brain barrier. But since they bind you will not be sick or high just normal feeling which will make you maybe even uncomfortable in your own skin but that’s a good thing sobriety sucks it’s supposed to. The feeling of self awareness and being will hit hard but as days and weeks pass so will that feeling. Things will get better! Keep that in mind while dealing with detoxing it’ll get you through. All things pass man so hang in there.

Long acting detox works if you also did the other short acting drugs on top of long acting drugs.
If short acting detox best I can say is go to Doctor within 2-3 days and use Loperamide to settle you and still see general practitioner for the non-narcotic drugs I will list down the page a bit.
Especially Heroin, Hydromorphone, Morphine detox its much shorter so the 8 day plan will be all hell for you & wouldn’t work.

on day 5 long acting Methadone, Subutex, Suboxone contact your general practitioner or find one that will then prescribe said opioid and do a slow taper over a month approximately. you should make appointment for your 8th day without any opioids.
Basically short acting users you will cut to 2-3 days you’ll want to get Loperamide before the 2nd day and see Dr by 2nd or 3rd day. Use Methadone for detox NOT Suboxone this goes for every type user. Minus the people who only take Vicodin or Percocet or Tramadol if your addicted to these lower risk narcotics contact your DR and ask how to stop taking them safely..

Minus the taper narcotic all others I list are non-narcotic so no new habit.  Yes, I’ve used xanax for detox but promise it’s not what you want to do. An addict will grab onto that quickly and trust me you don’t want to get hooked on benzos there’s no home recovery for it your hospitalized.

All listed drugs at this point can not be purchased over the counter must see practitioner. Again NON-narcotics except for Methadone taper prescription.

Flexiril: this is for the muscle body aches. I’ve heard people say they are worthless but they aren’t if you take as prescribed during detox. Bottom line there is no miracle drug to make this 100% painless.
But this plan made it manageable it hurt but not like a full cold turkey wd.

Hydroxyzine: this treats anxiety, tension, nervousness, nausea, vomiting, allergies, skin rash, hives, and itching. This medicine is an antihistamine.

Clondine: Treats high blood pressure. A lower blood pressure can reduce the risk of strokes and heart attacks. Also treats attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Yes, after physical WDs you can have ADHD type issues it isn’t permanent. And will help you sleep my blood pressure shoots to dangerous levels during detox. High blood pressure is common even in young users.
Prochlorperazine: Treats severe nausea and vomiting. Belongs to a class of drugs called phenothiazines.
I only had to use this maybe 3x the slow detox helped with it. When tried cold Turkey quit 5-6 years ago. I would of loved a bottle of this.

Trazadone: It also helps with sleep when taken with these listed.

Methadone: You will want to start at 10mg less than your last dose and do that for 4 days If your on short acting opiates start at 40mg. By the time you see general practitioner your tolerance will be lowered so tapering from 40mg is perfect. Then tapper accordingly your doctor should make the plan with you. He shouldn’t have an issue prescribing the one time request just don’t expect that he will help you again if you end up abusing it and not following your planned detox. General practitioners DO NOT do Methadone maintenance. If your not ready to be 100% Opiate free contact your local PAR for information on maintaining using Methadone. Which by the way is okay clinic saved me at one point in my life.
You may hear that there is no difference detoxing from 25mg or 5mg that’s bullshit. I know everyone comes off differently but I promise taking last dose of 5mg it didn’t make any difference when I quit because I followed my planned detox.

And for us guys as heavy users we all know that we don’t or just can’t have sex this desire dies pretty quickly followed by a flaccid penis.

Opioids deplete T-levels if your drive doesn’t come back after a few months or Cialis doesn’t work you will need Testosterone treatments. Could also be an underlying issue that opioids disguised.
One of the main reasons I quit I missed sex!
Ask for Cialis not Viagra.

Go to Cialis webpage and get a free month.  http://www.cialis.com/promise-free-trial.aspx

Once you bring these prescriptions to your Doctor he will make a plan using these drugs to detox you. Safely and not quite painlessly.

For methadone users prepare for a long drawn out process but it’s not all at 1x with this plan. Plan on 3 weeks to a month before you feel 80%. Methadone used for long periods is very difficult to copme off of but it can be done I took Methadone for over 10 years. Plus the good shit.

Remember to  take hot showers or bath daily and eat and drink healthy this will help you through as well. This is just as important as the drugs listed to help you. Take a multi-Vitamin daily as well.
try and walk around house or take dog for walk it’ll help you. And be sure to toss your works you know what I mean that shit laying around only brings false feelings of well being making you want to just pop 1 it won’t matter. But it does.

All drugs I listed are cheap except the Methadone & Cialis after 1 month free script you’ll be spending about $200 for 30 5mg pills. The 10 and 20mgs expect to pay $800-$1,000  each script after free month. Methadone is about $2 a pill a pharmacy.

Be careful taking Loperamide in large doses you don’t want to get backed up. I had no issues with that and also tapered off it as well.
Most I took at 1x was 25 pills runs are so bad it just allows for a regular bowl movement will be solid not acid water.
But everyone is different so start small and slowly take more until comfortable.
There are ways to get this to cross blood ,brain, barrier but it’s not that effective so please don’t abuse this because they will pull them from shelves in a second and become a narc V again.

Fuckin cigarette commercials they do pulling skin off and shit such bullshit.  I smoked for 25 years and my skin is still the same greasy and all.
Never changed my shit a bit only age changed it.
Never got the leather look at all and faces don’t turn yellow unless your Jaundice if that happens stop drinking has not a damn thing to do with smoking.
All these friggin bullshit propaganda pushing fuckin left wing pussies need to DIE! This is why America is dying out. Terrible. Don’t even want to start with mega news channels nothing but fear pushing government run lies. Fucking tryin to scare people into some bullshit ISIS is nothing at all just government lies and fear tactics. No more al Qaeda so they had to make up a new enemy to scare citizens to get more funding for nothing at all.

If news channels start pushing the bullshit terror alert code blue & red whatever colors they use i’m gonna go insane. Never a threat 1x when they were being broadcasted. Telling Americans if we fear  they win while all they do is promote fear.
My sons friend said to my brother that ISIS was shooting the moon down. While it’s funny and impossible it shows what they are instilling in the future of America.
Getting children scared for nothing at all teaching indifference and hate through fear.

That shit bothers me.
Happy I tell my kids to not watch big news local is fine as far as world news goes maybe 10% is truth. Always driven by greed and power to control. Even local is only half true at least the weather reports are truly worth while.